My Backyard

The Woman In The Hall

The voice I heard was sweet and it was coming from the hallway. There was a door with a small window looking into a bare, concrete room. There was no window from which to see the snow fall or watch the trees blow. There was only a woman in a straight jacket. She was singing.

I began to stop for awhile on my way between the day room and the dormitory. Stop to listen for her singing. If I knew her song I would try and sing with her but she would stop until I left. I began to sit next to her door and sometimes talk or hum or sing trying to get a duet started. I wanted to meet her.

I read her chart. It was very interesting but not very useful to me. Psychiatric terms were few back then and Sigmund was the late great guru for psychiatry. The notes described the bizarre and sexual nature of her mysterious malady. She would try and hurt herself, thus the room and the jacket. It was difficult to believe that such a sweet sound came from a woman so tortured.

It was the first days of December and time to get the Christmas program polished up. I was talking to the woman about the music and said that "O Holy Night" would be nice as a solo but I didn't think I could do the piano part. As I began to babble on, that sweet voice began to sing..."the stars are brightly shining....". I hummed the melody softly under hers and she didn't stop.

I'm not sure how exactly it came to be but we had an agreement. I would learn how to play the piano part and she would sing in the program. I practiced every chance I got, usually late at night in the office we used as the music room. It wasn't a hard arrangement but it was a stretch for me. I would sit outside her door and we would sing. I could harmonize with her now and she didn't stop singing. I went over how it would be the night of the program. I had gotten the prettiest state issue dress I could find, we would start the program after dinner and her solo would be the last of the program. She never said if any of this was okay, but she kept listening and singing.

As well as prepare she and I for this adventure, I had to convince the staff that it was okay for her to do this. She was dangerous you see and they couldn't be responsible. "What if something happened?!?", they would say. But of course, something happening was exactly what was going on and exactly what I was up to. It would have to go to The Team and get approval from all the right people. I already had the most important person's approval.....hers.

The night before the program, some of the young folks decided to liven things up and targeted a girl to drive crazy. The consequences of which would be an injection, the jacket and time in the bathroom isolation cell. They were bored and it was their teenage way of playing the common "Let's Get Him/Her In Trouble" game. Each knew they would be targeted sooner or later. It was just part of life on the ward. They got more than they played for when the girl started a fire in the dormitory. The staff was going to take away the party. The ward was going to stay locked down. There was going to be no singing.

After much begging and groveling, the program was back on. After all, staff decided, there are other effective ways to "teach these kids a lesson". After all, the other patients on the ward shouldn't be punished and it would be a waste of all those yummy state school cookies. She would get her time on the stage.

The night was cold with snow falling softly and steadily. It was a crystal clear night with enough moonlight reflecting off the snow, that I could see the notes in the songbook. Oh lord...I prayed that both of us would get through this well. That we could demonstrate the power of expectation and trust. I expected her to be a human being and she trusted me to remember she was a human being.

The first half was nice. The day room was covered with non-flammable, "can't get hurt" kind of decorations. The staff and the folks were enoying the program so far and the intermission was going well. We lucked out, the cookies turned out to be fairly fresh and not too pasty. I went to the room in the hallway. My friend, the evening nurse, was getting the woman into her dress. She was not resisting or babbling or trying to hurt anything. She didn't really look at us, only glancing toward our faces at times. She stood still so that we could fix her hair. The nurse had given her a shower earlier and used the state soap. It left her hair dull and a little stiff. I told her when she would need to come out and where to stand and started apologizing for my poor piano playing. She looked up, and for the first time there was a light on behind her eyes. She had the faintest of smiles.

The program was done except for the caroling and the solo. I began to announce the solo when she walked slowly and calmly down the hall toward the piano. She went to the spot we had agreed on and the people got very quiet. My hands fumbled with the book. I took a deep breath and started. Softly at first then building, that sweet voice began to fill the room. Mellow and loving in the low range and bright and entreating in the high. She sang with a personal knowledge and richness of experience. She melded with the piano and my voice and the whole became full and rich. We both stretched out and got lost in the music. When the last note evaporated into the room, there was silence. None moved for a minute. None spoke or clapped or breathed. I remember the look on the faces around me. The folks were moved and the staff stunned. I stood up and bowed with her. Then the roar started. As we bowed again I saw her face. She was smiling.

It was hard to watch the transformation back into the cocoon. We were congratulating her as we helped her out of her dress and got the jacket back in place. Before leaving the room, I thanked her for her encouragement in learning my part. She didn't speak but I knew she was hearing me. She hadn't lost all the light yet and her face was sort of peaceful. I left the room and she went to the corner, slid down the wall and sat on the bare floor. She looked at the window in the door and smiled.

The staff said she slept well and didn't try to harm herself this morning. They were sure that the excitement would turn into a problem before the day was out. But had they heard right? She sang last night? In a dress? No jacket? Acting almost normal? Goodness. Will wonders never cease.

-ags 02/15/99

Go back...

Quotes:

Sometimes, when you go looking for your dreams, you don't need to look any further than... ...your own backyard.
-AGS

The squirels have become more and more selfish, once they had a constant supply of food. They guard and chase and push each other out of the tree.. to protect their food. When there was no abundance of food, they chased each other for fun. Go figure.
-AGS